Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
by She's a Star
Summary: Christian mourns for Satine while spending Christmas alone.


Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas  
  
by She's a Star  
  
Disclaimer: Moulin Rouge belongs to the genius Baz Luhrmann, and Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas belongs to.....well, I have no clue, but it sure isn't me, and that's good enough, right???  
  
A/N: I got the idea of a Christmas Moulin Rouge fic when I read the brilliant Karadarlin's "I'll Be Home For Christmas" (It's awesome, you gotta check it out). I'd already kind of had one planned in my mind, and hers inspired me, along with Christina Aguilera's version of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, which I must have listened to about a zillion times during the process of writing this fic... :) So sit back and enjoy. *hehe*  
  
~ * ~  
  
He could hear them, singing down in the street. Their voices were light, happy, full of joy and holiday cheer.  
How could anyone sing anymore?  
Christian couldn't sing.  
He couldn't sleep.  
He couldn't live.  
Not without Satine.  
And yet still the carolers sang.  
Their voices blended together smoothly, perfectly.   
He and Satine had sung like that, each word full of meaning and passion. He'd loved singing with her.   
"O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree!" they sang. Christian felt like yelling down at them to stop, but he didn't want to ruin their Christmas. They still had something to live for.  
His thoughts over the past week had frightened him. The night she'd died, he had stayed with her body until Harold finally had to drag him away. Then he'd ran straight up to the elephant and out to where he and Satine had stood together on the night he'd first met her. He had been about to jump-for what point did his life have without her in it?-but then the sinking realization that Satine wouldn't want him to do this washed through him. She wanted him to live. Move on.  
So he would live. But he would never move on.  
Never.  
The mere thought of falling in love with someone else made him feel sick.   
He stared blankly at his typewriter. He'd gotten it back the next day, Satine's words echoing in his head..."Tell our story, Christian. That way I'll always be with you."  
And he'd tried. Oh, how he'd tried. There were crumpled up pieces of paper thrown all over the apartment, littering the floor along with absinthe bottles and dirty clothes. He had always been neat before, but what was the point now?  
What was the point of anything??  
With a sigh, he stared out at the moon. It didn't sing for him that night. The stars didn't dance. They never would again.  
A rap on the door interrupted his thoughts.  
"Chwistian!"   
"Go away, Toulouse," Christian murmured. It wasn't that he didn't want to see his friend...it was just that he couldn't bear to see anyone at the time. He would rather be alone with his thoughts of her, no matter how depressing they were. As long as he had them, he wouldn't forget her.  
"But Chwistian, it's Chwistmas! You have to come see us...at weast have one dwink?" Toulouse begged from the other side of the door.  
"No, Toulouse, I'm sorry," Christian said softly. He wished he had a photograph of her...just so he could see her. Yes, he could conjure up images of her in his mind, but he wanted to actually look at her...  
"All wight," Toulouse said with a heavy sigh. "Good night, Chwistian. Merry Chwistmas."  
"Merry Christmas," Christian echoed miserably. Satine had been looking forward to the holiday that he was now being forced to spend alone. She would flounce around belting out Christmas carols and go into long descriptions of the presents she was planning to buy for everyone. Her eyes had sparkled so happily as she talked about it.  
How he had loved her eyes.  
Christian suddenly felt a pain in his heart, fast and swift as a bullet, as the carolers began to sing the next song.  
"Have yourself a merry little Christmas..."  
Letting out a moan of grief, he held his head in his hands and closed his eyes, allowing memories from the previous weeks envelope him.  
  
~*~  
  
"Have yourself a merry little Christmas."  
Christian could hear her voice as she neared the door to his apartment, and he took one last look at the ring he'd purchased on the previous day. It sat, rather plain, in the little red velvet box, and lacked any trace of rubies or diamonds. He had figured she already had enough of those. Engraved in tiny letters on it was "Until the end of time-S&C".   
He quickly snapped the box shut, put it in his desk drawer, and slid it closed. He was saving that until Christmas.  
"Let your heart be light..."  
Smiling, he walked over to the door and swung it open. Satine looked beautiful as ever, a radiant smile on her face.   
"From now on, your troubles will be out of sight," Satine continued, slinging her arms around his neck and giving him a quick kiss on the lips. Christian inhaled deeply...he loved the way she smelled-a combination of face powder and some sort of vanilla perfume.  
"Have yourself a merry little Christmas," Christian sang as he took her coat and slung it on the back of the sofa. "Make the Yuletide gay."  
"From now on, our troubles will be miles away," they both sang, their voices blending beautifully. Christian loved singing with her...it gave him a sense of completeness that he didn't get from anything else.   
"Here we are as in olden days," Christian started.  
"Happy golden days of yore," Satine continued, smiling at him. He loved that smile and all that it symbolized...that she didn't have to pretend with him, that she truly trusted him and let him see who she was instead of just Satine, The Sparkling Diamond. Because really, there was so much more to her...  
And he would spend the rest of his life discovering it.   
Being with her.  
Loving her.  
"Faithful friends who are dear to us gather near us once more," Satine sang, her voice soft and open. It wasn't the way she sang when performing...then, it projected confidence and seductiveness, as if she knew every man in there wanted her, and yet they wouldn't even begin to meet her standards. Here, with him, every insecurity, every fear was present in her voice, and yet every joy, every passion was as well.  
"Through the years we all will be together," Satine continued to sing happily. But as she came to the next line, she paused and her smile disappeared, replaced by an expression of fear and...grief?   
But what was there to be sad about? Christian thought, puzzled. Everything is perfect...  
With a sigh, she looked up at him, her eyes shining with unshed tears and expression weak...almost hopeless.  
"If the fates allow."  
"But 'til then, we'll have to muddle through somehow..." Christian continued, lightly carressing her cheek with his hand, as to ask what was wrong. She put her hand on top of his own and stared at him miserably, biting her crimson lips as if to keep from crying.   
"And..." she started weakly. "Have yourself a merry little Christmas..." a single tear trickled down her cheek. "...now."  
  
~*~  
  
She'd known, Christian knew now. The doctors hadn't told her yet, Harold had told him about it the morning after she died. But somehow, subconciously, she'd known.  
Known that they wouldn't spend that perfect life together.  
Known that she'd never receive that ring.  
And he had been so naive, so STUPID...just expecting that she'd always be there, that he could spend a second away from her and still get to see her again. He'd almost never seen her again...almost left angry at her.  
He felt hot tears sting his bloodshot eyes, as they had almost constantly that past week, and he grabbed an empty absinthe bottle from his desk and slammed it onto the floor, causing it to shatter into tiny pieces. He smiled bitterly as he stared at it...shattered...shattered...just like his heart, just like his life.  
"Satine," he moaned, the sound of her name bringing back bittersweet memories. If only she had been able to live a little bit longer...just to be with him on this day that was so important to her.  
Moaning again, he buried his head in his arms and began to sob, knowing that if Satine was looking down on him right now she would be disgusted and disappointed. But he couldn't stop the tears...  
"Satine," he murmured. "Please understand, I CAN'T go on, I can't do this!"  
He didn't know what he wanted...what he expected. She wasn't going to answer him, he knew that much for a fact. But still...reality no longer mattered to him. The whole experience with her had been surreal, perfect.  
Much too blissful to last.  
He shook with sobs, cried so hard every muscle in his body ached, cried himself to the point of exhaustion. And finally, for the first time since his beloved diamond had left him, he slept.  
He didn't even stir as a figure appeared behind him and laid a soft, perfectly manicured hand on his shoulder. Her red curls cascaded freely down her back, her eyes were still the brightest blue, her lips a fiery crimson, her pale skin flawless.   
She stared down at him sadly, silently pleading him to go on with his life again. It would take time, she knew, but he was so talented, had so much to give...  
And yet she was stopping him.  
Sighing, she began to pick up the absinthe bottles from his desk and throw them in the trash can in the corner when something caught her eye. It was a tiny velvet box. Curiousity got the better of her, and she slowly picked it up and quietly opened it so as not to wake him. A golden ring sat proudly in the box, seeming to shine amongst the shadows.   
She pulled it out and read the inscription printed on it in teeny letters.  
"Until the end of time-S&C"  
Smiling, she slipped it onto her ring finger, kissed him lightly on the top of the head, and began to sing softly.  
"Have yourself a merry little Christmas now..."  
And then she disappeared from sight.  
But she never left his side.  
  
  
FIN 


End file.
